Identity-Based Choice: A Framework for Power With Instead of Power Over Decision-Making
Abstract
This article introduces an identity-based choice model as an alternative framework for decision-making in an era marked by global emotional recession and deteriorating social connections and collaboration. It organizes choices into three interconnected levels: identity-affirming, path-setting, and tactical. The model distinguishes traditional willpower from will as the bridge between identity and choice and examines how preferences filter through an identity lens. The connection of individual identity components to broader power dynamics creates a framework that could be transformative in multiple domains—from personal development to organizational leadership to social change.
Keywords
Power, Identity-based Choice, Choice, Collaboration, Unique Identity, Emotional Intelligence, Willpower, Self-agency, Choice Architecture, Values-based Decision-making
Table of Contents Show
Introduction
I value wisdom, and one of my top strengths is learner, so I am constantly reading, thinking, learning, growing, and transforming. Another facet of this is my paternal family system's legacy of making hidden connections— of seeing patterns others don't— that I inherited. I do these things all the time. I can't help myself. It is integral to who I am and part of my identity.
I sometimes wake up at 5 a.m. because a thought breaks through in my head: "Oh, that's how they connect." Then I get up and go down a rabbit hole.
What's had my attention lately is this notion of power over versus power with and understanding the role of choice, preference, and will in these things and their interplay with identity. What emerged for me as part of my exploration of emotional well-being and life satisfaction is an identity-based choice model called the Emotional Intelligence 3.0 Identity-Based Choice Model.
Why create such a model? Because the times demand it. Diminished emotional well-being, evidenced by researchers identifying a global emotional recession, a social isolation epidemic, and increased interpersonal conflict, makes it more critical each day to uncover new tools that allow us to connect, collaborate, and communicate meaningfully. This model is one of those tools.
Power With Versus Power Over
Power is complicated. That might be one of the greatest understatements of all time. Our relationship with power—how we define it, understand it, and use it—shapes nearly every aspect of our lives, yet we rarely examine these fundamental assumptions.
Traditional definitions reflect our collective misunderstanding. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines power as “possession of control, authority, or influence over others,” while the Cambridge Dictionary defines it as the “ability to control people and events.” These definitions reveal how deeply we’ve internalized the idea that power means dominance: being powerful means having control over others.
But what if we’ve been looking at power through the wrong lens? In Emotional Intelligence 3.0 (EI3.0), we offer a radically different understanding. Here, power isn’t about control, authority, or winning at all costs. Instead, it’s about choosing to create from our unique self in partnership with the system to allow the future to emerge in the present— and making space for others to do the same. It’s where the magic happens and the extraordinary unfolds.
This reframing of power opens up transformative possibilities. When we step away from power-over dynamics and into power-with relationships, we access deeper wells of creativity, connection, collaboration, and potential. This authentic form of power is claimed not by controlling others but by fully expressing who you are while contributing to the larger whole.
The essence of power-with lies in a profound paradox: true power emerges not from controlling others but from understanding ourselves and collaborating with what is. Like water shaping landscapes over time, this form of power is both gentle and transformative. When we grip too tightly—trying to control people, situations, and feelings—our power actually diminishes, like sand slipping through clenched fingers. Achieving it requires making identity-based choices.
Theoretical Foundations
The proposed EI3.0 Identity-Based Choice Model integrates several philosophical traditions while offering a novel approach to decision-making. Let’s briefly look at some of the foundational models. Robert Fritz categorizes choices as fundamental, primary, and secondary and provides a hierarchical framework. Bernard Williams' theory of integrity proposes that authentic action should stem from principles and values that resonate with our core sense of self. While they emphasize the connection between core commitments and identity, the EI3.0 choice model places personal identity at the center of the choice architecture.
This model builds upon Harry Frankfurt's hierarchical theory of desires, which distinguishes between first-order desires (what one wants) and second-order desires (what one wants to want). However, rather than focusing primarily on desires and preferences, this model emphasizes how one's established identity components serve as the organizing principle for evaluating and making choices.
Personal Identity Structure
The Identity-Based Choice Model posits that authentic personal identity consists of four key elements:
1. Core Values (3 to 7 of them): The fundamental principles that guide what matters most to the individual. These values are relatively stable and are the foundation for meaning and purpose. You can discover your top 5 core values for free at TomiLlama.com.
2. Top Strengths (5 of them): The natural talents and developed capabilities representing an individual's genius zones. These strengths reflect both innate propensities and cultivated skills. My preference is CliftonStrengths34 (there is a cost) and the High 5 Test (free).
3. Social Currency: The unique value proposition where an individual's core values and strengths merge to create service to others. This represents the intersection between personal fulfillment and social contribution. I have activities that bring social currency into focus.
4. Purpose: The overarching direction or mission that gives coherence to one's life trajectory. Purpose functions as both a compass and a context for evaluating specific choices. I have a process that brings purpose into focus.
These elements together form your identity, which in EI3.0 is called the "unique self.” It is the reference point for making choices that lead to greater coherence and satisfaction.
Choice Architecture
The Identity-Based Choice Model organizes choices into three interconnected levels.
Level 1: Identity-Affirming Choices
These are choices that directly express or reinforce the components of one's unique identity. Such choices answer the fundamental question: "Who am I ?" and “How am I fulfilling that potential?” Examples include:
• Choices that explicitly express one's core values
• Decisions that leverage key strengths
• Actions that deploy one's social currency in service to others
• Commitments that align with and advance one's purpose
Identity-affirming choices often require significant reflection and deliberation. They represent pivotal moments when one's trajectory can meaningfully shift toward greater authenticity or away from it.
Level 2: Path-Setting Choices
These choices create the conditions and contexts that make Identity-Affirming Choices more accessible and sustainable. They answer the question: "What environments and relationships will help me thrive?" Examples include:
• Selection of communities and relationships that support one's unique identity
• Career and location decisions that create opportunity for identity expression
• Learning and growth investments that develop one's capacity to live authentically
• Lifestyle design choices that provide the necessary resources and space for identity-aligned living
Path-setting choices represent the structural decisions that either facilitate or constrain one's ability to live in alignment with one's unique self over time.
Level 3: Tactical Choices
These are the day-to-day decisions that, in aggregate, either support or undermine one's identity. They answer the question: "What small actions today align with who I am?" Examples include:
• Daily habits and routines that reinforce identity-aligned behaviors
• Time and attention allocation that reflects core values and purpose
• Response patterns to triggers or challenges that express one's values
• Self-care practices that maintain the capacity for authentic living
While individually small, these Tactical Choices create momentum through their cumulative effect, gradually strengthening or eroding one's connection to one's unique identity.
The Integration of Will and Preference
Within the Identity-Based Choice Model, will and preference play crucial roles that interact dynamically with identity.
Will as Bridge: Beyond Willpower
Will functions as the bridge between identity and choice. It represents the capacity to act in accordance with one's unique identity, especially when faced with competing desires or external pressures. Will is strengthened when:
One maintains clarity about their identity components
One practices making choices that align with their identity
One reflects on the consequences of alignment/misalignment
It is important to distinguish between will in this model and the common conception of willpower. Willpower is typically understood as the emotional and mental energy or self-discipline required to resist temptation or persist through difficulty—often framed as a limited resource that can be depleted. Willpower implies struggle against opposing forces, such as resisting immediate gratification in service of long-term goals.
Will, as conceptualized in the Identity-Based Choice Model, operates differently. Rather than representing a force of resistance, will serves as the faculty through which one's authentic identity is expressed in action. When choices align with authentic identity, they may require less "willpower" in the traditional sense because they're consistent with who you are at your core. The effort shifts from resistance to alignment.
This distinction has significant implications for sustainable behavior change and decision-making. While willpower-dependent choices often lead to eventual exhaustion and reversion to habitual patterns, identity-based choices can create a self-reinforcing cycle where actions feel more natural and require less emotional effort and investment over time. The exercise of will in this model is not merely about self-discipline or denial of desires. Instead, it represents the capacity to live from one's center.
Preferences through an Identity Lens
The model distinguishes between different types of preferences:
1. Immediate Preferences: What one spontaneously wants at the moment
2. Identity-Aligned Preferences: What aligns with one's core values, strengths, social currency, and purpose
3. Cultivated Preferences: Tastes and desires that have been intentionally developed to support one's authentic identity
When immediate preferences conflict with identity-aligned preferences, will mediates between them. Over time, through the exercise of will, one's immediate preferences may gradually shift to become more aligned with one's unique self.
Power With versus Power Over: An Identity Perspective
The distinction between "power with" and "power over" takes on new meaning within the Identity-Based Choice Model: Power Over often stems from choices disconnected from authentic identity.
When individuals make choices based primarily on external expectations, social pressures, or unexamined impulses, they may seek to control outcomes and others to compensate for their lack of internal coherence.
Power With emerges naturally from identity-aligned choices. When individuals act from their unique self—expressing their values, deploying their strengths and social currency, and fulfilling their purpose—they are more likely to engage collaboratively with others, recognizing and honoring others' uniqueness as well.
The shift from "power over" to "power with" can thus be understood as a natural consequence of moving from externally driven to identity-based choice-making.
Practical Implementation
The Identity-Based Choice Model can be implemented through the following processes:
1. Identity Clarification: Regular reflection on one's core values, strengths, social currency, and purpose. This may involve formal assessments, journaling, meditation, or dialogue with trusted others.
2. Choice Evaluation: Assess alignment with identity components before significant decisions. This might include questions such as: "Does this choice express my values?" "Does this allow me to use my strengths?" "Does this contribute to my purpose?"
3. Preference Refinement: Intentionally cultivating preferences that naturally align with one's identity. This might involve exposure to new experiences, relationships, or ideas that resonate with one's authentic self.
4. Will Strengthening: Practicing making identity-aligned choices, especially when difficult. This builds the capacity to act in accordance with one's deeper identity even when faced with competing desires or external pressures.
5. Feedback Integration: Noticing how choices that align or misalign with identity affect well-being and effectiveness and using these observations to refine one's understanding of one's authentic identity.
Application
I have used this model's elements in my coaching practice for almost thirty years, developing tools along the way that bring the model to life for my clients in simple, interesting (and typically non-threatening to the ego) activities that deepen understanding of the self. Understanding who they are in this unique way and choosing from that location deep within contributes meaningfully and significantly to the quality of my clients' lives. All my anecdotal research and professional experience point to the effectiveness of this model.
Conclusion
The EI3.0 Identity-Based Choice Model offers a framework for understanding how choice, preference, and will interact with personal identity to create either coherence or fragmentation in one's life. By placing authentic identity at the center of decision-making, this model provides both theoretical insight and practical guidance for those seeking to live with greater purpose and satisfaction.
Based on decades of coaching application, the model offers practical implementation strategies for individuals seeking greater coherence, well-being, and collaborative relationships in both personal and professional contexts.
Unlike models that focus primarily on the mechanics of choice or the hierarchy of preferences, this framework emphasizes the role of identity as both the source and the beneficiary of authentic choice. When choices flow from and reinforce one's unique self, the result is not only greater personal well-being but also more collaborative and productive relationships with others.
Further research might explore how this model applies across different cultural contexts, how identity components evolve over the lifespan, and how specific interventions might support identity-aligned choice-making in various domains of life.
References
Frankfurt, Harry G. 1971. "Freedom of the Will and the Concept of a Person." The Journal of Philosophy 68(1): 5-20.
Fritz, Robert. 1989. The Path of Least Resistance: Learning to Become the Creative Force in Your Own Life. New York, NY: Fawcett Books.
Williams, Bernard. 1982. Moral Luck. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
